This song played on the radio the very night I became a caregiver (and would someone come up with another name for us, please?) 9 years ago.
A few days ago, it popped up on my playlist. So much has changed in those 9 years………
The lyrics say everything that at the time I was feeling…………
🎵Feeling my way through the darkness🎵
The night ‘it’ happened. Driving home through the darkness. Late at night. Lots of thoughts and fears running through my head.
🎵Guided by a beating heart🎵
Really felt like my heart and faith were all that were leading me. I knew that if I just kept moving forward that I could ‘fix’ it so that mom wouldn’t injure herself so severely and that she would be safe. And that I wouldn’t have to be in this horrific situation again. That I could have some control over what happens. (So funny, we really have no control over anything, if we think about it!)
🎵I can’t tell where the journey will end🎵
I absolutely could not tell when or where the journey would end. Or even what this journey will look like. It had just begun and I knew it deep in my bones. I felt the dread and the fear and uncertainty.
🎵But I know where to start🎵
Driving home alone that night I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know where to start. I felt hopeless and scared. I had so many questions and so much unknown.
🎵They tell me I’m too young to understand🎵
I was 38 years old.
🎵They say I’m caught up in a dream🎵
Was I dreaming to think that it was possible for mom to live safely in a retirement home? Can she pay for it? She told me she wanted to live in a home but is that really whats best for her?
🎵So wake me up when it’s all over🎵
This was my mantra, my prayer. Wake me when it’s all over. The arguments and abuse from my steps. The uncertainty. Feeling like I had lost control over my life.
🎵When I’m wiser and I’m older🎵
Praying for wisdom in this moment and also looking to my older self to guide me.
🎵All this time I was finding myself🎵
Who knew this journey would help me find my lost self.
🎵I tried carrying the weight of the world🎵
For a long time, I did it all by myself. I would not accept or ask for help from anyone. It was exhausting. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.
🎵But I only have two hands🎵
It was only me……… By my own fault.
🎵Hope I get the chance to travel the world🎵
At that time, I hadn’t traveled anywhere, really. But I did. Although looking back at the beginning of my journey, I was thinking ‘I’d like to travel. That’s over.’ I’d see a plane in the sky as I was driving to mom’s house to work more on clearing it out and think, ‘I wish I were on that plane.’
🎵But I don’t have any plans🎵
I didn’t have any plans to travel in the beginning. Like I said, I thought my life was over. But you know what, once I figured things out, asked for help and problem solved, I did travel. Oh did I! 2015 Hawaii. 2016 Italy. 2019 Hawaii again. And all points across the United States in-between. And mom has been well cared for during my travels.
🎵Wish that I could stay forever this young🎵
I was 38 years old. I am now 47.
🎵Not afraid to close my eyes🎵
In the beginning, I wasn’t sleeping or not sleeping well. So many plans, checklists, questions.
🎵Life’s a game made for everyone…………And love is the prize🎵
My prize was having my mom feel safe and happy.
9 years ago I was totally in this space of ‘wake me up when it’s all over.’
Through time and space and learning and problem solving I am happy to say that now I am wiser and I’m older. And that is a great thing.
Mom is good and we just had a great conversation where we can see each other (thank you Alexa). We get to spend time together and she feels safe and happy.
I’ve traveled the world.
I’ve found myself.
Do you have a song that’s your mantra that’s got you through tough times like the one I have? What’s your song? Leave a reply below and share your song.